The Stories in our Head

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I wanted to share some of the wonderful teachings by Pema Chodron from a retreat that Nancy Bean and I went to last year.  The retreat was entitled, Smile at Fear, which might sound like a difficult thing to do.  But what is fear?  What do we fear the most? What do you fear the most?  Pema gave an interesting statistic that a large group of people were asked about what they feared most, and when given the choice between physical pain and uncertainty, an overwhelming majority of people were more afraid of uncertainty than they were of physical pain.  It seems that when faced with not knowing, most of us become fearful.  We’ll make a decision too quickly or become paralyzed with inaction, just to avoid that feeling of uncertainty.  Training our minds to sit with uncertainty, with not knowing, is a critical component of responding more skillfully to whatever situations and circumstances arise in our lives.  In fact, on the eightfold path, it is the very first step, Right View, Clear Seeing.  We train our minds to sit with uncertainty, so that we can more clearly see what is and make better choices. 

What is happening in our brains when faced with uncertainty?  When presented with a new experience, our brains try to find something to relate it to, something in our past experience or what we’ve been told.  We are continually trying to reinforce whatever current view of the world that we already have.  If we think life sucks, then we look for reinforcement that life sucks.  If we think that we are unlucky in love or in life, we unconsciously reinforce that story.  Lama Surya Das calls these responses the dysfunctional myths that we live by.                                          

How we experience life is based on the stories that we make up about it. So what are the stories that you tell yourself about you and your life?  Think for a moment about how you describe your life to others.  What do you tell others, and, most importantly, what do you tell yourself about you?

There’s a book by Dan P. McAdams on narrative psychology, entitled The Stories We Live By: Personal Myths and the Making of the Self.   In it, he describes identity as a personal myth we create in order to construct a sense of meaning, unity and purpose in our lives. He argues that we consciously or unconsciously compose a narrative that integrates our 1) remembered past, 2) our perceived present and 3) our anticipated future in a way that illustrates essential truths about ourselves.
This is what we all do.  We make up stories to fill in the blanks of the things we don’t really know.  We look at life from the lens of our past experiences and look for reinforcement of what we already think is true.

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." -Henry David Thoreau

It is a choice, conscious or unconscious, that we allow ourselves to be influenced by our past experiences or by what others tell us to be true.  There was an economic downturn a few years ago—people lost their jobs and their homes.  Yes, that is true, but each of us has a choice with what we do with that information, how we process the information around us, how WE respond to what is happening.  On Wall Street, it is a common understanding that bad news is infectious.  In stocks, a lie can be just as damaging as the truth.

Interestingly, this phenomenon is not new. Researchers have documented that women at the turn of the 20th century commonly reported a specific set of symptoms, including leg paralysis, temporary blindness, and facial tics. These symptoms happened to fit the well-publicized and accepted definition of something called “hysteria”.  Researchers found that “patients unconsciously try to produce symptoms that will correspond to the medical diagnostics of the time,” Shorter explains. “This sort of cultural molding of the unconscious happens imperceptibly and follows a large number of cultural cues that patients simply are not aware of.” 

So what stories are we telling ourselves that are forming our experience of living?  Each of us gets to choose how we live.  No matter what.  What if your life going forward from this moment was a blank sheet of paper?  Could we live by a value of getting comfortable with uncertainty?  Allowing life to unfold and making decisions that may not be based on our old way of thinking?

How can we have the courage to examine the stories that we are telling ourselves, try and see more clearly, and let go of the need for a story at all?  What are the stories that we make up about ourselves, about our family, about our partners, about our friends and about our enemies?  Some things are unchangeable, but regardless, choosing how to perceive a situation is always changeable. This is the powerful tool of curiosity and non-preference.

"Whenever something negative happens to you, there is always a deep lesson concealed within it." -Eckhart Tolle

So, each of us can have the courage to question these stories that we have made up, and in doing so, we might feel the fear of uncertainty that arises when we don’t know.  If we don’t have our stories, what do we have?  The truth is, that If we can sit with not knowing, our world can be enriched with the fullness of possibilities.  Last week, we talked about being courageous choosers. So this week, we can examine our stories, embrace our fear, smile at our fear, and go forward into this holiday season with a sense of curiosity and not-knowing.  We can let go of our stories by being open to the question, then courageously choosing more skillful responses.  Clear seeing, right view, is the first step.  

How can we respond to extreme suffering?

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Given the circumstances of this last week, I thought we might talk about the Lojong or mind training teachings that we studied last year.  The Lojong teachings include seven groups of 59 pithy slogans, slogans that help us see ourselves and the world from a different perspective, slogans that challenge our habitual unskillful thoughts, words and actions.   A good reference book is Pema Chodron’s entitled, Start Where You Are. 

POINT THREE: Transform Bad Circumstances into the Way of Enlightenment.

13. Be Grateful To Everyone

16. Whatever you meet unexpectedly, join with meditation

These Lojong teachings were created by a Buddhist monk named Atisha who lived about a thousand years ago.  A story is told of Atisha that he was asked to go to Tibet to teach the Dharma, and when he heard that the inhabitants of Tibet were very pleasant and easy to get along with, instead of being delighted, he was concerned that he would not have enough negative emotion to work with in his Lojong practice. So he brought along his ill-tempered Bengali servant-boy, who would criticize him incessantly and was awful to spend time with. Tibetan teachers then liked to joke that when Atisha arrived in Tibet, he realized that there was no need to bring his servant after all—Tibetans themselves could be plenty annoying.

With these teachings, we can begin by identifying WHAT MEANING ARE WE GIVING to the situations and circumstances in our lives?  It’s not just about making the best of a bad situation, but about recognizing the meaning we are giving things, and looking for the deeper learning from all the circumstances and situations in our lives.  We are meaning making machines.  If I picked up a rock and gave it to you, you could give many different meanings to that gesture and that rock.  Ronn McLane told me recently about a new machine that they had installed at Great Wolf Lodge--it was a colored rock machine.  For 75 cents, you got to put in your money in a fancy machine and receive a rock of some randomly chosen color.  I can just imagine the delight in a child's eyes, the parent thinking "it's only 75 cents", and the meaning that the color rock might create--the symbol of a childhood vacation and the fun that was had.  Or perhaps many other meanings that might be applied.  All of this, and it was just a rock.

We are choosing what the meaning is of each action we perform, and the meaning of what is done to us!

Some words or actions are extremely painful.  We try to avoid them, push them away.  Sometimes, we might even find comfort in ignorance through the practice of avoidance.  We create blind spots.  These teachings encourage us to not shut down, but to see each moment as an opportunity to wake up in the middle of our lives, to stop sleepwalking through life, regardless what is happening, regardless of how painful it might feel. 

There are lots of people in our lives:  some we enjoy being around and others we don’t.  The reality of being human on this planet is that we are inseparably interconnected to all beings:  the ones we like, the ones we don’t like, the saints, the barbarians, and everyone in between.   Most of the time, we are judging others and ourselves, comparing and contrasting whether we are better or worse, nicer or meaner, doing good or doing bad.  These thoughts lead to emotions that lead to action.  The Buddhist teachings encourage us to be aware of our thoughts and emotions, so that our actions are not simple knee-jerk reactions, but rather thoughtful responses in an effort to relieve the most suffering and create the most good. 

Preparation and presence go hand-in-hand in order to respond skillfully in life.  Be grateful for everyone, including the aspects of yourself that you don’t like, or try to avoid.  Embrace every aspect of your life and yourself and those of others as an opportunity for learning and living a better life.

The Dharma is NOT about being a victim, not about being a doormat for all to walk upon, but about being a courageous chooser.  B. Alan Wallace, a great Buddhist scholar and teacher says that the Dharma is like spiritual guerrilla warfare.  Our desire to fall back asleep is sometimes very strong, so we use these slogans to outfox our conditioned habits.  We’re studying and practicing to be courageous choosers.  We can practice being part of the transformation of life, not just ignorant bystanders of the continuous unfolding of the same old unskillful stuff.

We can see everyone as part of us.  The events of last Friday show that is true whether we wish it were so or not.  Why did it happen?  I believe those horrific acts are not about a some simple judgment made upon each person killed but it is an example of the complex karma of millions of previous actions.  So, it’s done.  Knowing what we know now, how can we reduce the likelihood of this from happening again?

It's okay to be angry. Anger is an essential part of grieving.  We can reflect upon it, we get angry, and we meditate upon the best response to this horrific situation.  We can use the anger as energy for change.  I can’t imagine what these families are going through, but each of us has known grief and suffering in our own way, and each of us can set our intention to hold the high watch for these individuals who are grieving so greatly. 

They are not just numbers but real people that we were interconnected to.  I want to read their names and reflect on their lives:

Dawn Lafferty Hochsprung, 47 was Sandy Hook Elementary School's principal

Mary Sherlach, 56 the school psychologist

Lauren Rousseau, 30, a permanent substitute teacher

Victoria Soto, 27, a first grade teacher

Emilie Parker, 6

Emilie "was the type of person who could light up a room," her father told reporters Saturday. His oldest daughter was "bright, creative and very loving”  Emilie's "laughter was infectious," he said. The last words she said to him, "She said that she loved me and I gave her a kiss and I was out the door."

Other victims

Rachel Davino, 29; Anne Marie Murphy, 25; Charlotte, 6; Daniel, 7; Olivia, 6; Josephine, 7; Ana, 6; Dylan, 6; Madeleine, 6; Catherine, 6; Chase, 7; Jesse, 6; James, 6; Grace, 7; Anne Marie Murphy, 52; Jack, 6; Noah, 6; Caroline, 6; Jessica, 6; Avielle, 6; Benjamin, 6; Allison, 6.

Lastly, the shooter and Nancy Lanza, the mother he killed.

We are all inseparably interconnected to each other.  We may wish to sort people out into specific groups of those that we care about and those that we ignore and maybe even those that we hate.  This sorting and judgment should be seen as a dangerous undertaking.  Beyond any judgment, we are all still inseparably interconnected. All beings are worthy of attention, all beings worthy of love and compassion.  This is the tough message that we must reflect upon this morning.  How to do we push through our hatred and anger, and find the appropriate response to this horrific act.  It does no good to simply hate.  Hate is what caused the situation in the first place.

I don’t know what the best response is, but I encourage us all to ponder the possibilities.  What will relieve the most suffering?  What will create the greatest good?

Four Thoughts that Turn the Mind Towards the Dharma

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“Each of us are always at the brink of truth in each moment.

Every breathing moment of our lives presents us with the possibility of awakening to wisdom or getting mired in fear.

Every action, every thought we generate gives us an opportunity to discover our true selves. We alone can choose.”

–Ajahn Sumano Bhikkhu with Emily Popp,

from Meeting the Monkey Halfway

Another way to encourage us upon this new journey is a teaching found in the preliminary practices of Tibetan Buddhism, called Four Thoughts to Turn the Mind towards The Dharma, (The Four Mind Changers).

They are designed to “loosen our preoccupation with our preconceived notions about how life is, and, to open ourselves up to much wider horizons, to open ourselves up to a more spacious, universal perspective, of ourselves, of other people and of the world around us.”  (From Lama John Makransky, author of Awakening Through Love.)  We are encouraged to start each day by reminding ourselves of these truths.

These four powerful thoughts are:

1.         We are the ones causing any sense of struggle in life.

2.         We can explore how cause and effect create our experience.

3.         We can celebrate the preciousness of human birth. 

4.         We can find joy in impermanence .

How can we apply these four thoughts to transform the way we see ourselves and the world? 

First, as we discussed in the teaching on the Four Noble Truths, each of us often has an ongoing sense of suffering or at least vague feeling of dissatisfaction. Samsara is a Sanskrit word defined as the condition of going around and around, thinking and doing the same things and getting the same result.  We all want to be happy, so we continue search for the house that will make us happy or the relationship that will make us happy, or the job that will make us happy.  We are happy when we’re eating ice cream but not when we’re eating brussel sprouts.  We have divided up our world into two sections:  that which we think will bring us happiness and everything else.   Dukkha is this general sense of dissatisfaction—it is not the world causing us to be dissatisfied but rather us causing our own dissatisfaction.  And that is a root cause of our suffering.   Through reminding ourselves regularly about the truth of this statement, that WE are causing a sense of struggle, then we can begin to change our perspective.  We can reinforce each day that we can choose to be happy.

Second is the reality of Karma, the law of cause and effect.  We are creating the patterns in our lives by doing the same thing over and over again, things that might not be creating a sense of happiness. The Dalai Lama said “there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.”   What would it be like to see the world through eyes of happiness?  The Buddhist teachings offer that the reason this perspective is so difficult is because we have spent much of our lives creating conditioned responses that create a sense of struggle and suffering.  We often do not see situations for what they actually are, but rather through the filter of our past experiences.  With this reminder, we can begin to look for the cause and effect of our thoughts, words and actions.

There was a guy I met at church a few years ago who I immediately disliked.  Everyone else kept telling me how nice he was, but I wasn’t having any of it.  I felt irritated at the mere sight of him.  It took me six months to realize that he looked almost exactly like my sister’s ex-husband—no wonder he seemed awful!  I wasn’t actually seeing this real person standing in front of me, but was seeing him through the filter of my memory of someone he looked like.

Once I began to meditate regularly, I started to see these filters I was putting on many people and situations in my life, even on myself.  I’d like to tell you that once you meditate regularly, the patterns immediately go away, but that unfortunately isn’t exactly how this practice works.  First, we start by seeing them more clearly, until we recognize the suffering that we are causing ourselves and others by not being fully present and clear.  Then, we start to get a chance to respond differently. 

Moreover, we often cause our own suffering by needing to place blame.  We get Karma confused because we see life through our filter of our old unskillful thoughts and habits:

·         We blame the World:  Everyone around us is causing us this suffering; I could be happy if it wasn’t for them (or him, or her…)

·         We blame ourselves:  It’s all my fault because I’m horrible; no matter what I try to do, I can’t change .  I was born this way,  my childhood caused me to be this way.  There’s no hope for a different outcome.   Woe is me…

We can begin to recognize these patterns in our lives and see each moment as an opportunity to see things more clearly and to respond differently.   Explore new possibilities.    And it starts quite simply with a new awareness.  It has been our minds perception of all things as either opportunities for our happiness or opportunities for our not being happy.  We can have a new thought that life doesn’t have to be a struggle.  Imagine that we can start each morning with the thought, “I am happy” and carry that perspective with us throughout the day, regardless of what arises.  We can begin to look for the good.  We usually find what we’re looking for.

I have to admit to having a fear about just simply being happy.  If I didn’t feel a sense of struggle, a need to change things, then what would I do?  Would I just sit in my bed all day and not move?  It brings up fear about not being motivated, not being productive, not moving forward.  I can almost hear my mind shouting, “I need a sense of struggle to survive!”  Ah, there’s the false perception.  In Buddhism, we are urged to at least consider that our motivation can come instead by being a channel of light and love, of compassion and wisdom, and pro-actively chosen happiness—that can be enough motivation to get out of bed in the morning.  We can be spiritual and still operate in this world.  Our motivation can come FROM knowing that we can use passion instead of fear for motivating our thoughts, our words and our actions.  All that we need, all that we’re searching for, exists for us in this moment.  We need only wake up to these profound teachings that have been proven to work over and over again for centuries upon centuries.

In the Dhammapada, the Buddha is quoted as saying:

            “The thought manifests as the word;

            The word manifests as the deed;

            The deed develops into habit;

            And habit hardens into character;

            So watch the thought and its way with care,

            And let it spring from love

            Born out of concern for all things…

            As the shadow follows the body,

       As we think, so we become.”

Buddha said it, and Charles Fillmore and Myrtle Fillmore who founded Unity said the same thing.  How many people must tell us this Truth before we trust that it’s true, or at least doubt enough that it might be true, to give it a try.  Our thoughts and awareness can be very powerful tools for overcoming our suffering. 

The third thought is the preciousness of human life—how incredibly amazing is it that you are alive in this moment?!?  Think of all the things that had to happen (and had to NOT happen) for you to get this chance at experiencing living.  We can choose to see life as a gift instead of a burden. 

Ric Elias is a man who happened to be on the plane that crash landed in the Hudson River a few year ago, and everyone survived.  He gave a talk one time wanting to share how this single event, a few minutes spent expecting to die, then miraculously being sparred, how those few minutes made a world of difference in the way he lived from that moment forward.  He decided to take those few minutes of incredible emotional upheaval and transform the way he experience his life and how he interacted with those around him, to be more loving, more kind, more grateful.   A simple thought of the preciousness of human life can dramatically change our perspective.  Let’s not wait till we almost die before we realize this fact!

Lastly, we can celebrate the joy of impermanence!  Not feeling sad because things are constantly changing but being joyful because each moment is the perfect moment to start fresh, to start anew. Instead of trying to get everything just right, start right now in enjoying everything as is.  We can finally give up on getting everything to be perfect before we start to enjoy living.  No matter what your circumstances, you can begin in this moment to experience joy. 

Reflecting on these four thoughts increases our willingness to release the grip on our habits of clinging to ourselves, of shutting down, of closing in, of believing our own projections.  It begins with bringing awareness to a painful moment, to questioning what’s behind the pain, and to creating a new thought, the thought that life doesn’t have to be a struggle.  Our true being can come through, our true Buddha nature can guide us, and can break down our filters, so we see the world and others just as they are. So, we can see ourselves just as we are as well.

 “We’ve enclosed ourselves in a relatively small space of limited thinking. It binds us in, and we’re not aware that we’re living in a tiny, cluttered room.  BUT with the practice of mindful awareness and quiet reflection, it’s as if the walls of the room are torn down, and you realize there’s a big beautiful spacious sky all around.”  

   -Larry Rosenberg, The Art of Doing Nothing (Spring 1998)

Sangha 2.0

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“What are you doing for the holidays?”  Isn’t this a question that we often ask each other, sometimes in a  meaningfully, really wanting to know kind of way, and perhaps at other times, just filling in an uncomfortable gap in conversation?  We most likely expect an answer about trips planned or family to be visited or food to be made and eaten.  But…what if…instead…we use this time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s for a much grander purpose.  Sure, we can still do all the things and see all the people and cook and eat all the food that we planned, but we could also use these next few weeks to transform the way we experience each moment of our lives. 

I watched a TED talk given by Ric Elias, who was on the plane a few years ago that crash landed in the Hudson River, and everyone survived.  What he wanted to share was how this single event, just a few minutes spent expecting to die, then miraculously being sparred, how those few minutes made a world of difference in his life from that moment forward.

He shared three things that he learned:

•    He said he now drinks bad wine.  Instead of waiting for the wine to be at its peak, waiting for everything to be absolutely perfect, instead, when the friend shows up, they drink the wine, or eat the food and relish their moments together.  Don’t wait to use the good china.  This moment is the perfect moment to celebrate living.
•     He said no longer had petty fights with his wife.  He can look into her eyes and imagine never being able to see her again, never to hold her again, and with that new perspective he said he chooses to be happy rather than right.  What a great Buddhist teaching!  How would we treat those significant people in our lives differently, if we first imagined life without them.
•     Lastly, Ric said he just kept thinking about wanting more time.  He thought he had lived a good life, and accomplished some things, but still…he wanted more time…to be with and love his family and friends, to do the things that bring him joy, to see his children grow up.

Ric’s talk emphasizes the importance of our relationships, and relationships are what sanghas are all about.  In our refuge vows, we talk about Buddha, Dharma and Sangha.  You might come here on Sunday morning to have time for yourself, but your mere presence is making a difference to everyone here.  The power of people meditating together is palpable.  Just by showing up, you are helping to create the sangha experience. 

Sangha is a Sanskrit and Pali word meaning community with a common goal.  Historically, the term was specifically about the group of monks and nuns that lived and practiced together, but today, in our American translation of these ancient teachings, we are expanding the description to include all of us who are supporting each other on our spiritual journey.  Together, we can support and encourage each other in growing spiritually. Anyone who is here today can be that person.  Sangha can even be more than just a spiritual community.  Sangha can truly represent all those people in your life who you love and support, and who love and support you.  Some might say that Sangha should represent the entire human race!  Or even the entire planet!  It would certainly be nice if we all had a common goal or two.

Buddhism in general might seem like a solitary practice--all the time devoted to quiet meditation, and there is certainly a component that is solitary in nature, but we meditate not only to be of service to ourselves but equally important to be of service to others. 

Lama Surya Das likens the encouragement that we give others as creating our own immortality—the love and support that you give lives on well beyond your life.  As part of this teaching on Sangha, we can include the fourth step on the eightfold path, which is wise action.  We start to see our action towards others as a critical component of our Buddhist practice to relieve suffering.

Ric’s epiphany was that it’s not just about what we are experiencing, but also about how we are showing up for other people, and the importance of fully and completely showing up for each other.  Not showing up in order to convince others that we’re right.  Not showing up to get others to change or trying to get others to make us happy, but rather fully showing up to celebrate the preciousness of the time that we have together, this preciousness of human experience, which is so often defined by our relationships. 

Whenever anything happens in our life that forces us to imagine the future without the things that we love, we get a gift, the gift of cherishing the things in life that we so often take for granted.  The gift of having the precious time to hug those that we love, and not in a “I’ve done this a million times” kind of way, but the kind of hug that you would give someone after you had just survived a plane crash, and get a chance to look into their eyes for the first time, and are able to embrace them, to feel their touch, to bask in their presence. 

What are you waiting to get done because you think you have all the time in the world?  What negative energy are you carrying around that is not serving you or others?  What positive changes would you make in your life if you were given one more unexpected chance?   

What would it feel like to go through the holidays imagining that we survived a near-death experience (which in some cases Thanksgivinig may have been…), and were given this extra time, time unexpected, to be human, to be in community, to be present with ourselves and to share our life with others?

There are many ways to help others, but here are three simple practices that you can try for yourself:

1. Acknowledge and reward others’ strengths and accomplishments  --  Catch someone doing something good;  I’ve found that if I genuinely admire someone’s actions or even beautiful jewelry or a well-put-together outfit, I can say it to them, and that can be the start of a loving and kind relationship.  It truly can be that simple. Don’t wait until someone cures cancer to give them a compliment.  It’s those daily little things that we notice that can add up to a big difference.  And a component of this practice can be to ignore the little ways that people screw up.  I was here last night trying to make some copies, and the copier jammed.  I worked with it for a bit, but it was Saturday night, and I got frustrated and went home.   I was grateful that everyone this morning came together, took the extra time, to help me unjam the darn machine—nobody yelled at me for screwing it up in the first place!  Thanks, y’all!
2. Contribute to creating supportive environments for learning and experiences.  How can you create an environment where those around you are having worthwhile experiences? As parents, we have many opportunities to do so.  Seeing our children as beautiful manifestations of being to which we are contributing to their unfolding.  Sometimes is might feel like our children or our partners our family or friends may get in the way of our meditation and mindfulness, but I encourage us all to see them as opportunities for awakening.  We can encourage our family and friends as they walk their path. 
3. Empower others through being a role model and lending a hand.  And lastly, being a role model.  How do our actions teach others?  This is a powerful part of that fourth step of the eightfold path.  We do the right thing not because we have to but because it’s best for us AND others.  Actions speak louder than words.

In Tibetan Buddhism, there’s a lovely saying, that only the snow lion can become enlightened alone.  For us humans, we need others to help us awaken. 

Perhaps we can use this simple mental exercise of imagining if it were all taken away in a moment, then returned to us safely, what would we do differently from this point forward?