Living Beautifully – 2 – Making a commitment to ourselves

(For Podcast, click here.  For ITunes version, click here)

Like this blog?  Consider donating online (click here) to contribute to the sustainability of the Temple Buddhist Center and American Buddhism. Together we can truly change the world, starting with ourselves and the world around us!

Today we continue our book series, based on Pema Chodron’s recently published book, entitled, Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change.  It’s one of her most pithy books!

Last week, we talked about shenpa, a Tibetan word for that uncomfortable sensation we get when we’ve been triggered by some thought, emotion or external circumstance, and how we can learn to recognize the sensation as a signal to which we are most likely about to respond with an old, perhaps unskillful, behavior.  We have all discovered coping mechanisms that enable us to escape that uncomfortable feeling.  We might do something as simple as distract ourselves with TV or the internet, or we might eat or drink to excess, or we might lash out in anger to quell that gnawing feeling.  In addition to the response, we might also make up some story about who is to blame (either ourselves or someone or something else) and replay the story over and over to reinforce the rationalization of our response. 

Recall some situation when you might have felt that uncomfortable sensation, and how you might have found relief by responding in an unskillful way.   We can recall and analyze our past unskillfulness in order to be prepared for future situations when shenpa might again arise, and use it as a signal that something more is going on in the situation beyond what might superficially seem to be.

This week, in Chapter Three, “Laying the Foundation”, Pema talks about how we can make a commitment, in advance of experiencing the shenpa, to rally our motivation, to have a sense of curiosity about alternative ways of responding, and also, about what to do when we still miss the shenpa boat, and continue thinking, saying and acting in those old unskillful ways. We might think of making a commitment as some burdensome task, but we are encouraged to think of this commitment as the path to liberation, the path to sanity!  The path to liberation and sanity begins with committing to refrain from further hurting ourselves or others in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.

This first commitment that Pema recommends is to NOT CAUSE HARM TO OURSELVES OR OTHERS.  It’s called the Pratimoksha vow and includes the Five Precepts, (she included some thoughts from Thich Nhat Hanh, another great Buddhist teacher):

1. To not kill:  Aware of the suffering brought about by the destruction of life, I vow to avoid killing.  I will do my best to cultivate non-aggression and compassion for all beings.
2. To not take that which is not freely given:  Aware of the suffering caused by stealing or taking anything from others that which is not freely given, I will do my best to respect the property of others.
3. To avoid harmful sexual behavior:  Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful or aggressive sexual energy, I vow to be faithful to my current partner and not harm others with my sexual energy.  I will do my best to be aware of what harms myself and others and to nurture an honest love and respect, free from attachment.  I aspire to serve and protect all beings.
4. To speak mindfully:  Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech, I vow to cultivate wise speech.  Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I will do my best to not lie, to not gossip or slander, to not use harsh words, and to not say things that bring about division or hatred.  I aspire to always speak words that create the greatest good.  From Adrienne Howley:  Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?  And I add: Is it timely?
5. To protect the body and mind:  Aware of the suffering caused by excessive alcohol, drugs and other intoxicants, I vow to live my life in ways that increase my inner strength and health as well as my openness to all beings. I vow to avoid thoughts, words or actions that might lead to heedlessness.

There is an important distinction that is made with being aware of shenpa and being motivated to recognize it and choose another response.  THIS IS NOT ABOUT REPRESSING OUR NATURAL FEELINGS.  When we talk about bringing awareness to our unskillful responses, and to refrain from them, some people might infer that means we are trying to repress our unskillful thoughts, words or actions.  To be clear, putting a gap between stimulus and response is NOT about repressing the sensation of shenpa—in fact it is the sensation that gives us a clue that something needs to be paid attention to.  Trying to repress the sensation can be just as harmful as acting out from it.  We are working on finding that place of balance, the middle way, where we recognize when it arises, then choose to pause, and develop a curiosity about all possible alternative responses. 

This is a muscle that we can strengthen.  Each time we respond in the same unskillful, harmful way, we are strengthening our desire to respond unskillfully.  Each time we are able to create a pause between the sensation and the response, we strengthen our muscle of awareness, wisdom and compassion.  There’s that old escape route from the painful feeling we have often taken, but we practice NOT going there, not responding in that way, and exploring the other possible ways of responding.  Pema describes it as simply interrupting the momentum of the habit and the storyline.

Lastly, we are likely not going to be perfect at catching our shenpa and our unskillful responses, so in the Buddhist practice, there is a ritual called Sojong.  In practicing sojong, we can have an opportunity to reflect on when we thought, spoke or acted unskillfully, we forgive ourselves and begin anew, with a newfound sense of purpose.  Traditionally, sojong takes place twice a month, and one is encouraged to review the last few weeks and ask these questions:

“What have I done with my body, my speech and my mind that might have harmed myself or others?”  This not about self-criticism, but can be explored as if your most loving supporter is helping you see where you might have responded in old unskillful habits.  We honestly acknowledge where we messed up, we recommit to our vows of doing no harm, and we begin again.  This is a precious opportunity to learn from our past unskillful behavior, to let go and to start fresh.

Today, we’ll practice the guided meditation of Forgiveness.