Letting - 4 - Letting Go of Holding On

(For Podcast, click here.  For ITunes version, click here)

This morning we continue a series of talks based on the book by Lama Surya Das, entitled, Letting Go of the Person you Used to Be.  This is a beautifully written book that cuts at the heart of suffering.  The subtitle is Change, Loss and Spiritual Transformation.   Last week, we went into the belly of the beast and took a look at those difficult times, the fearful emotions, the stressful reactions that we all have experienced from time to time.  Today, we will talk about how to accept and love all parts of our being, ourselves. 

Lama Surya Das, in the fifth chapter of his book, talks about letting go of holding on.  He says that the first step in letting go is see more clearly what we are thinking, what we are feeling and what we are doing--what are we holding on to?   In what ways are you hanging on--to old ways of seeing yourself and others, old ways that might be unskillful, old ways that may no longer be valid or helpful?  You may find that you are hanging on to unskillful beliefs, thoughts, emotions, perspectives, biases, judgments, and/or relationships--with yourself and with others.  In Buddhism, being attached to things or people or even our selves always being a certain way is a sure path to suffering.   Can we love without any expectations? Should we love without any expectations?  How can we love and not be attached AND not be a doormat?  These are some of the tough questions we must ask about letting go.

We all have opinions and judgments that we create about ourselves and about others that then become concretized--we cease to evaluate whether they are still true or not, or perhaps whether they were ever true.  The Buddha taught that no opinion or judgment is objectively right or wrong, because it depends on the situation.  Is it wrong to stab someone with a knife?  What if you a surgeon and trying to save their life?  In Buddhism, we practice questioning ourselves and our beliefs, even in questioning the Buddhist teachings themselves—is it true?  Does it ease the most suffering and/or does it lead to awakening? This is the litmus test question for all responses in all situations.

One transformational practice is to create and nurture a positive inner voice.  You might be telling yourself that you are bad because you are not letting go—our minds play games with us, and it becomes a vicious cycle of judgments, emotions, more judgments, more emotions.  Imagine finding a kinder voice inside you, creating your own internal cheerleader.  Josh Korda, a Buddhist teacher and addiction counselor, encourages us cultivate a kinder voice in our head.    Ask yourself these questions, “Whatever I’m telling myself internally, would I say that to a dear friend?  Would I want someone to say that to me?"

Tara Brach has a wonderful book entitled, Radical Acceptance, and in it, she goes through several practices that enable us to see more clearly what we are shying away from, what we subconsciously are holding on to.  In the book, she quotes Dogen, who was a 13^th century Zen master.  Dogen encourages us that true awakening comes from being in harmony with ourselves just as we are.  Josh Korda encourages us to not think of ourselves as broken, but rather as whole and complete in our complexity.  A man who attends AA here says that he has completely shifted his thinking from focusing on being a powerless alcoholic to being joyfully sober.  He may still be powerless over alcohol, but he can balance that reality by pouring his energy into being joyfully sober.

Tara Brach says there is an epidemic in this country—she calls it a trance of unworthiness.  Our media and our culture have bombarded us with messages that we are not quite good enough just as we are.   We are not pretty enough, not successful enough, we don’t have quite enough money or possessions or fun or friends or exciting lives. Whatever we have or are, we are constantly being told that something isn’t quite enough.  (Of course, it would be if we buy the right beer or wear the right lipstick...)

Tara also talks about practicing letting difficult emotions pass through us, like the wind blowing through the trees, instead of getting stuck in the fear or denial or wallowing or pain or whatever the difficult experience might be.  Can you find the courage within you (The Buddha taught that we all have this courage within us) to look directly at your fears and feelings of unworthiness and makes friends with them?  Imagine what it would feel like to be in harmony with whatever arises, letting the difficult emotions arise and fall away on their own, instead of holding on to them and letting them fester and boil inside.

An important component of the Buddhist practice is about finding the most skillful response.   It is NOT about ignoring injustice or hatred or bullying or abuse.  Sometimes the most skillful response to an unskillful situation IS anger and action. Let’s gather up the courage to see more clearly.  Let’s gather up the strength to stand in the face of uncertainty and fear.  Let’s support and encourage each other in facing our fears and disappointments and setbacks.  Let’s stand tall and find that inner voice of wisdom and compassion that can nurture us and enable us to let go of the thoughts, words and actions that we are hanging onto that are no longer serving us.

We are not just our past.  We are not broken.  We are an amalgamation of all that has gotten us to this point, right here, right now.  We take whatever has happen to us, whatever we have done to ourselves and to others, whatever others have done to us, and we can use that as the fuel for enlightenment, the tool of awakening.  Simple wishing for things to be different than they are is a fool’s folly.

Let’s rise up and claim the incredible power and wisdom and compassion we have to transform how we see ourselves and how we see the world.  This is the precious gift that we all have, we need only realize it, and respond from that place of wisdom!  How different the world would be if we all let go of holding on to unskillful thoughts, words and actions, and created a kind and loving internal voice (and external voice!) to encourage and support ourselves and others.  How amazing would that be!?!