(For Podcast, click here. For ITunes version, click here)
This morning
we continue a series of talks based on the book by Lama Surya
Das, entitled, Letting Go of the Person
you Used to Be. This is a
beautifully written book that cuts at the heart of suffering. The subtitle is Change, Loss and Spiritual
Transformation. Last week, we began with a discussion about
the importance of seeing clearing what is happening in our lives, not simply
through the lens of our past experiences.
It turns out that our brains don’t register most of what is going on
around us. We are experiencing ourselves
and the entire world through this filter of what we have decided is important
and what is not. We selectively choose
what to pay attention to and not, and we decide most often on the basis of our
past experiences. This is sometime
helpful. There is a hum of the heater in
the background, so we ignore it. Someone
in the other room is speaking—we might ignore it or try listening in or be
irritated or even frightened by their voice.
Because of the faultiness of these filters, there is
great value in questioning our thoughts and our emotions when we are going
through difficult times. It can be difficult to know what is true and real, and what is simply our imagination. I was watching a TED talk given by a forensic
psychologist named Scott Fraser who explains how our brains fill in the details
about what we remember. Even if you
think you have remembered something or someone 100% accurately, Fraser shows
the scientific evidence that is most likely not true. So, clear seeing is a process that is part of
the Buddhist practices. As part of the practice, we keep
examining if our thoughts and our
emotions are really giving us an accurate picture of what is happening
internally and externally.
In his book, Lama
Surya Das wrote about the loss of his father, and how much sadness and grieving
went along with that experience. I lost
my father ten years ago, and there are still days when I miss him so
terribly. We were very close. He used to call and leave me a voicemail to
just tell me he was thinking about me, and that he loved me. After he passed away, the phone would ring, and I would think it might be him, then remember... I kept one of those
voicemails he left on my phone, and I’m not ashamed to say that I played it many
times, just listening to his voice, mourning the loss of his generous,
compassionate spirit. In the midst of just sorrow and loss, how do we make
sense of the tragedies in our lives—the loss of a parent, the loss of our health,
the loss of innocence, the loss of purpose, the loss of understanding, the loss
of meaning, the loss of friendship—all the people and things that fade away or
get lost or die?
Lama Surya Das is
clear about one point—we have a choice about how to respond to even the worst
situations. This essence of the Buddhist
teachings is our ability to choose how to live.
We may not choose our tragedies,
or our losses, but we definitely choose how we respond. Of course, sadness and grieving are two
appropriate responses in situations of loss, but we need not see our responses
as one dimensional. In the midst of
sadness can also be understanding, there can be acceptance, there can even be love.
A second point
that Lama Surya Das makes is that most of us, we take life and ourselves far
too seriously. Yes, I said last week
that we should prioritize mindfulness and meditation like our hair was on fire,
BUT the Buddhist practices of dealing with loss and tragedy is to also about
finding the joy and laughter in each moment, despite the tragedy and pain.
Anyone ever inappropriate laughed
at a funeral? Or maybe it was
appropriate? Are our lives solely about
being solemn and serious?
When you think of someone special whom you have lost
in your life, can you think of a joyous time that you spent together, perhaps
even a time when you laughed together?
My father had the cheesiest thing he did that always made me and my siblings laugh—I
have no idea where this idea came from—maybe it was a Texas thing. He would grab my knee and say “got a can a
corn!” I would giggle uncontrollably and
run off or just get tickled, and he would laugh in that deep, honest, warm way, that he
always did. As tragic as it is when
I think of my dad’s death, I also remember that I’m so sad because there were
some wonderful times that we had together.
Maybe other
people’s death didn’t include a sense of joy whatsoever. We still have a choice to move forward
with a sense of optimism. Laughter and
joy make life more manageable, even in the darkest of days. Starting now, or perhaps you are already
doing it, what will you do to infuse laughter and joy into your daily life, to create a life worth living and worth celebrating
when it is done?
Lama Surya Das
encourages us to name our losses, acknowledge them honestly, then assess how
best to move on. What can I do to honor
my father’s life? What can do to I honor my
own life? How can I infuse joy and laughter into my purpose in living?
In Feng shui, the
laughing Buddha is often used to remind us of the bliss that can be found in
humor and smiling and the turn of the good joke, the simple pleasure of finding laughter amidst the pain.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes
out of my nose. ~Woody Allen
Laughter is an instant vacation. ~Milton Berle
When people are laughing, they're generally not
killing each other. ~Alan Alda
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