Eightfold Path - Wise Speech

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We continue our series of talks from the book, Awakening the Buddha Within, by Lama Surya Das, and this morning I’ll talk about the third component of the Eightfold Path- Wise Speech.  I was having lunch a few years ago with some work colleagues.  There were eight of us sitting around a large round table at a restaurant, and across the table I heard one of the manager mention that his mother had been asking for a special birthday present.  He said that she wanted a port-o-pottie.   I thought what???  I asked to confirm, “She actually wanted one?”  “Yes,” he stated, “She had been asking for one for years.”  I was surprised.   “Where was she going to keep it?” I wondered.  He replied, “Oh, they have a large backyard--plenty of room!”  I just couldn’t imagine why someone would want a port-o-pottie in the backyard!   I finally quizzed him again, “she wants a port-o-pottie?”  Now, he look perplexed.  “No! She wants a border collie!”

What we say and what we hear are critical to how we perceive ourselves and the world.  It’s critical to how we create the sacredness within and around us.  As Lama Surya Das encourages, “everything you say can express your Buddha-nature” even the things you don’t.  Our words can be a tool for us to nurture ourselves and to serve others.  Thoughts and emotions arise, and we have a choice as to how and even if to express them.  Words have power, and yet so often, we throw them around as if they were worthless.  Words have value, as we can all attest to, if someone has ever said something to you that was very helpful or hurtful.

Words are often used to reinforce our ego, who we think we are.  What our story is all about.  I’ve been thinking about words a lot this last week as I prepare to go on a siltent retreat and say nothing for next seven days—it often seems difficult to survive without words.  Who would you be without your words, without your stories? 

The Buddha encouraged us to see Speech as part of the path of enlightenment.  We are encouraged to infuse our words with kindness and wisdom, using them to help, to support, to nurture.  The Buddha taught about talking in the following four ways:

1.       Speak the truth, tell no lies: How often do we assess if what we are about to say is true?  We can start with those outright lies and explore why they seem necessary.  Then, as we stay on the path of truth, we start to look at subtle ways that we lie to ourselves and to others, maybe not outright perhaps but in ways that serve our ego.

Listening is a key component of wise speech.  How can we listen more carefully, with more awareness, to better understand the truth.  One of the seven habits of highly effective people is “Seek first to understand, before being understood”.

2.       Use words to help, not harm:  I always think about Soap Operas when I think about wise speech;  basically soap operas could not exist if everyone was required to tell only the truth and to say only words that helped, not harmed.  Think about it.  If Sally told Jim that she was still married to Bob and was having Bob’s baby, and she told him that before she agreed to marry Jim.  there would be nothing to stay tuned for.  How are we unnecessarily stirring things up by the words that we use?

There is often judgment in our words that are used to serve our purposes.  Last year when we were studying the Lojong teachings, there was a slogan that said, “don’t talk about injured limbs”.  If we are all inseparably interconnected, then talking about another’s faults or weakness, is like talking about our own broken leg.  Of what value does it serve?

There’s a simple practice of focusing on using words to help, looking for an opportunity to praise someone for positive actions.  Think about this last week and the words that you said, and the effect they had.  When you told someone that they were doing a good job, that they looked great and gave a great presentation or told a great joke, whatever the sincere compliment might have been.   What if we made offering honest positive encouragement a part of our to-do list every single day?

3.       Don’t gossip or tell tales:  When the Buddha had all those monks and nuns living in close quarters, he had to create many rules that instructed them to not spend time gossiping about each other.  Lama Surya Das calls gossip, “junk food for the ego”.  Don’t we all sometimes get a little pleasure out of discussing the woes of others?  Maybe we’ve decided that they deserve it because of their past actions.  I often hear myself thinking when my friends screw up--if they had only listened to me!  Or maybe other people’s woes make us feel better about ourselves.  Well, at least I don’t have THAT problem!

We talk a lot about what stories we tell about ourselves.  It’s also helpful to look at these stories you tell about others.  Think about someone who annoys you.  How do you describe that person to others?  Why do you do that?  Think for a moment about your motives?  How might it feel different to say nothing or to look for the good?

4.       Avoid harsh abusive language, speak kindly:  There have been several research studies on partner relationships, and how harsh words can lead to harsh actions, and kind words can lead to kind actions.  Whenever you live with another human being, you both have the opportunity to annoy the heck out of each other.  We are constantly faced with choices about what to say, when to say it, and what the result will be.   We always have a choice about what we focus on.  The research shows that if a partner spends time looking for the good, focusing on the good, and praising the good, that is usually what they get more of.

Margaret Paul is a PhD who specializes in relationships.   She’s written a gazillion books and been on Oprah, and her message is one of simple kindness.  It is as simple as beginning by looking for the good, and examining our emotions before we respond. 

Lama Surya Das includes a great quote from Shantideva, who was an eighth-century Buddhist scholar and teacher. 

            Whenever I wish to move

            Or to speak,

            First, I shall examine my state of mind,

And firmly act in a suitable way.

These teachings on Wise Speech are not about being a doormat or never showing anger, but as Shantideva puts so well, they are encouraging us to examine our state of mind before we speak or act.  With presence and perspective, we will find wise speech within us.  And then we firmly act in a suitable way.

This week, you might try thinking of your cellphone as a spiritual tool.  Just by simply being aware of what you say AND being aware of how you listen.