Living Beautifully – 2 – Making a commitment to ourselves

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Today we continue our book series, based on Pema Chodron’s recently published book, entitled, Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change.  It’s one of her most pithy books!

Last week, we talked about shenpa, a Tibetan word for that uncomfortable sensation we get when we’ve been triggered by some thought, emotion or external circumstance, and how we can learn to recognize the sensation as a signal to which we are most likely about to respond with an old, perhaps unskillful, behavior.  We have all discovered coping mechanisms that enable us to escape that uncomfortable feeling.  We might do something as simple as distract ourselves with TV or the internet, or we might eat or drink to excess, or we might lash out in anger to quell that gnawing feeling.  In addition to the response, we might also make up some story about who is to blame (either ourselves or someone or something else) and replay the story over and over to reinforce the rationalization of our response. 

Recall some situation when you might have felt that uncomfortable sensation, and how you might have found relief by responding in an unskillful way.   We can recall and analyze our past unskillfulness in order to be prepared for future situations when shenpa might again arise, and use it as a signal that something more is going on in the situation beyond what might superficially seem to be.

This week, in Chapter Three, “Laying the Foundation”, Pema talks about how we can make a commitment, in advance of experiencing the shenpa, to rally our motivation, to have a sense of curiosity about alternative ways of responding, and also, about what to do when we still miss the shenpa boat, and continue thinking, saying and acting in those old unskillful ways. We might think of making a commitment as some burdensome task, but we are encouraged to think of this commitment as the path to liberation, the path to sanity!  The path to liberation and sanity begins with committing to refrain from further hurting ourselves or others in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.

This first commitment that Pema recommends is to NOT CAUSE HARM TO OURSELVES OR OTHERS.  It’s called the Pratimoksha vow and includes the Five Precepts, (she included some thoughts from Thich Nhat Hanh, another great Buddhist teacher):

1. To not kill:  Aware of the suffering brought about by the destruction of life, I vow to avoid killing.  I will do my best to cultivate non-aggression and compassion for all beings.
2. To not take that which is not freely given:  Aware of the suffering caused by stealing or taking anything from others that which is not freely given, I will do my best to respect the property of others.
3. To avoid harmful sexual behavior:  Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful or aggressive sexual energy, I vow to be faithful to my current partner and not harm others with my sexual energy.  I will do my best to be aware of what harms myself and others and to nurture an honest love and respect, free from attachment.  I aspire to serve and protect all beings.
4. To speak mindfully:  Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech, I vow to cultivate wise speech.  Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I will do my best to not lie, to not gossip or slander, to not use harsh words, and to not say things that bring about division or hatred.  I aspire to always speak words that create the greatest good.  From Adrienne Howley:  Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?  And I add: Is it timely?
5. To protect the body and mind:  Aware of the suffering caused by excessive alcohol, drugs and other intoxicants, I vow to live my life in ways that increase my inner strength and health as well as my openness to all beings. I vow to avoid thoughts, words or actions that might lead to heedlessness.

There is an important distinction that is made with being aware of shenpa and being motivated to recognize it and choose another response.  THIS IS NOT ABOUT REPRESSING OUR NATURAL FEELINGS.  When we talk about bringing awareness to our unskillful responses, and to refrain from them, some people might infer that means we are trying to repress our unskillful thoughts, words or actions.  To be clear, putting a gap between stimulus and response is NOT about repressing the sensation of shenpa—in fact it is the sensation that gives us a clue that something needs to be paid attention to.  Trying to repress the sensation can be just as harmful as acting out from it.  We are working on finding that place of balance, the middle way, where we recognize when it arises, then choose to pause, and develop a curiosity about all possible alternative responses. 

This is a muscle that we can strengthen.  Each time we respond in the same unskillful, harmful way, we are strengthening our desire to respond unskillfully.  Each time we are able to create a pause between the sensation and the response, we strengthen our muscle of awareness, wisdom and compassion.  There’s that old escape route from the painful feeling we have often taken, but we practice NOT going there, not responding in that way, and exploring the other possible ways of responding.  Pema describes it as simply interrupting the momentum of the habit and the storyline.

Lastly, we are likely not going to be perfect at catching our shenpa and our unskillful responses, so in the Buddhist practice, there is a ritual called Sojong.  In practicing sojong, we can have an opportunity to reflect on when we thought, spoke or acted unskillfully, we forgive ourselves and begin anew, with a newfound sense of purpose.  Traditionally, sojong takes place twice a month, and one is encouraged to review the last few weeks and ask these questions:

“What have I done with my body, my speech and my mind that might have harmed myself or others?”  This not about self-criticism, but can be explored as if your most loving supporter is helping you see where you might have responded in old unskillful habits.  We honestly acknowledge where we messed up, we recommit to our vows of doing no harm, and we begin again.  This is a precious opportunity to learn from our past unskillful behavior, to let go and to start fresh.

Today, we’ll practice the guided meditation of Forgiveness.

Living Beautifully – 1 - Dealing with Shenpa

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Today we begin a new book series, based on Pema Chodron’s recently published book, entitled, Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change.  I think I’ve read almost all of Pema Chodron’s books, but this one seems to be the most pithy and most concise!  I found that I was underlining almost every sentence in the book!  The book takes on the realities of living in a world that is ever-changing.  I often joke that for years I was trying to get my ducks in a row so that I would finally be happy.  With the Buddhist practice, I awoke to the fact that the ducks will never be in a row, and if they do get in a row, they won’t stay there for long, and as Lisa Woolery proclaimed a few weeks ago, there isn’t even a row to get in to!  We are surrounded by messages from our families, our friends, advertising, work, that we are just not quite enough.  We need some thing or some one to make us feel safe and happy and content.  The Buddhist teachings are the whack up the side of the head that makes us realize that we will never find long-term happiness outside of ourselves.

In this book, Pema starts out emphasizing that the very nature of our existence is forever in flux.  Let’s grapple with this reality.  This is the essence of what the Buddha discovered 2500 years ago.  Most of us live with an anxiety, either subtle or full-blown, about living.  Our reptilian brains are on the lookout for saber-toothed tigers, or maybe just the potential danger of disappointments and disillusions.  So, here we are, at whatever age you happen to be, and we get this precious opportunity to face the fact that life will never be static.  Those pesky ducks will never line up.  So, what shall we do? 

The Buddhist teachings are so profoundly transformational because the philosophy allows us to take a breath and relax into the reality of constant change.  We can learn to enjoy the ride, to ride the wave of life, instead of digging in our heels or fingernails into whatever false sense of stability we might think we have found or that we might hope to be just around the next corner.

This week and in the coming three weeks, we will look at the practices that support relaxing into uncertainty, as well as three commitments we can make that enable us to not only survive but to thrive amidst the flotsam and jetsam of life’s ups and downs.  Here are the three commitments that we will discuss in detail:

• The Pratimoksha Vow:  Committing to doing our best to not harm with our actions or words or thoughts, a commitment to being good to ourselves and to each other.
• The Bodhisattva Vow:  Committing to dedicate our lives to keeping our hearts and minds open and to nurturing our compassion and wisdom with the longing to ease the suffering of the world.
• The Samaya Vow: Committing to embrace the world just as it is. Going deeper, we commit to see everything as a means by which we can awaken further.  Nothing is left out.

There’s a wonderful perspective that Pema brings to our suffering.  She says that suffering comes from constantly trying to realize our dreams of okay-ness.  It is our resistance to uncertainty that causes us suffering.  We have the power, with this great wisdom given to us, the power to let go of the struggle against the dynamic quality of life, it, we can learn to relax into it, to ride the wave, and through acceptance, we can find a profound freedom.

She also talks about the human tendency towards fundamentalism—the desire for things to be and stay a certain way at all times and in all situations.  Wouldn’t it be nice if everything was black and white, and there was a book that told you what to think and what to do, that fit every situation and every circumstance that might ever arise in life?  Oh happy day!  That would make things so much easier.  And in wishing for things to be predictable, we subconsciously find and see only that which validates our current view.  We are most often attached to our current opinion of ourselves, and that is what we see in the world!  When we quit being curious, we stop seeing any new information.  When we truly come to terms with the uniqueness of each moment, we come to terms with the fact that no book could ever cover every possible situation and circumstance.  We come to terms with the reality that we must stay open and aware and curious in order to avoid causing our own suffering. 

So, how do we begin to wake up?  Where do we start?  There is a Tibetan term called “Shenpa”, and it is used to describe that gut-level feeling, a tightening, a twist, a pushing away, from some situation--perhaps it is a person, a word, an event, a thought, that doesn’t fit with our view of ourselves and the world.  Shenpa is the canary in the coal mine that tells us something is up, that we are closing down.  In the first practice, we are encouraged to catch the Shenpa, be aware when we get triggered.  Shenpa is pre-verbal, it’s a sensation.  We can begin to notice when it arises, and instead of running away from that uncomfortable feeling, we can simply be present with it, not judging it or labeling it, but just staying with the feeling. 

The practice she describes, she calls the “one and a half minute thing”.  We can do this practice any time we feel triggered by something.  Here is the process:

“Acknowledge the feeling.  Give it your full, compassionate, even welcoming attention, and even if it’s only for a few seconds.  Drop the story line about the feeling.  This allows you to have a direct experience of it, free of interpretation.  Don’t fuel it with concepts or opinions about whether it’s good or bad.  Just be present with the sensation.  Where is it located in your body? What does it feel like? Does it remain the same?  Does it shift and change in some way?”

We can use this practice whenever we want to get in touch with the uneasiness in us that is often present.  And it can be most transformative to use in the midst of a shenpa attack!  We can learn to relax and embrace, instead of tightening and denying or lashing out, or lashing in, whatever has been our unskillful habit for dealing with the discomfort of being human.

Letting Go - 8 - Who do you think you are?

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Today we complete the series of talks on Letting Go of the Person You Used To Be” by Lama Surya Das.  The final question for us all is, “Who or what am I?” What exactly is it that I am letting go of and wanting to become, or who or what am I experiencing right now? 

I got a chance to visit Father Thomas Keating this last week—he’s a Catholic monk who also has been practicing Zen Buddhism for forty years.  At 90 years old, he is piercingly brilliant yet humble and open to each moment.  I think he was an enlightened being, though of course, he would never say that!  We talked about the Buddhist concept of anatta, or no self—a difficult idea to grasp.   It is said that there is no self to be, just a compilation of sensations and synapses, processes and past experiences.   Father Keating calls it our False Self, this identity that is merely a collection of conditioned responses and old story lines cobbled together from our past and constantly tainting the present.  Who do you think you are?  This question cuts right to the heart of our suffering.  In this moment, can you feel the bundle of judgments, preferences, emotions and sensations that you identify as you?

Someone sent me a quote this week that says,  "I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be."  There is hint of Buddhist philosophy in this quote.  The Buddhist process of compassionate awareness, as described by Lama Surya Das, is that we first experience our stuckness, those stories that we tell ourselves and others about who we are.  I encourage you to ask the question, “Do we need a specific identity?  I guess to get your driver’s license…but I’m challenging us all to consider the possibility of letting go of who we used to be AND letting go of who we think we are, and just be open and present in each moment. 

Father Keating, with his Christian perspective, describes it as becoming an empty vessel so that God can manifest through you.  Now, I have a lot of trouble with that word God, based on some of my childhood indoctrination that causes the word itself to evoke harsh images, but that is just a word and just my judgment about it.  In Buddhist terms, you are innately good, innately have Buddha nature, the ability to become fully awakened and enlightened--every single one of you have it!   So, how do we get there?

We can start where we are, in this exact moment. Begin with becoming fully aware of what thoughts, emotions and sensations are creating this sense of you.  From one of the original written Buddhist teachings, a lesson called the Satipatthana Sutra, mindfulness or compassionate awareness includes three components:  awareness of what is happening internally, awareness of what is happening externally and awareness of both at the same time.  Easy, right?  For me, this process is sometimes far away from how I’m experience certain moments in my life!  I can’t see what is the reality of the moment because I get caught up in sensations, judgments and story lines that cloud my ability to see clearly and to process skillfully what is happening both internally and externally. 

Let’s start with sensations.  Experience the sensations in your body in this exact moment.  You might be dealing with an ache or pain, or you might be feeling some sensation that feels pleasant.  If you are like most folks, you then place some judgment about that sensation.  “I hate this feeling! How can I get rid of it?”  or “I love this feeling! How can I hang on to it?”  Most times, we don't even realize that we were having any sensation because we were distracted by our thoughts and stories.   We can start to see how sensations lead to judgments lead to stories--the three are intermingled and entangled.  Perhaps a judgment leads to a story leads to a sensation…these three conditionings wreak havoc on our ability to be fully present. 

Some of these conditionings are good!  Sensations of pain alert us to the possibility that we need to get help for a medical condition.  For me, I sometimes get a small ache or pain, and unconsciously build up some judgment or story about it, like “this is serious!  I must be dying!”  We are all going to die sometime, but often my small ache or pain is nothing more than bad Mexican food or overexertion.  Compassionate awareness enables us to sort out the reality of the sensation from the judgment and story that arises about it. 

Some judgments are good!  We walk down a dark alley and see someone approach us with a gun or a knife.  If you are judging that this is an unsafe situation, that’s probably accurate and wise to take appropriate action to be safe.

The biggest difficulty arises when we put sensations and judgments together to create and recreate stories.  My simple experience with pain from eating bad Mexican food becomes a story about “I’m a loser for not eating healthy” or a victim because I was poisoned, or a myriad of other stories we might create.  An experience with someone wanting to harm us becomes a story that sometimes develops into “I deserve to be treated this way,”  or other stories about our perceived value as a person.

Mindful awareness creates a useful gap between stimulus and response so that we have time to see more clearly and respond more skillfully.  Sensations, judgments and stories can then be more clearly seen and processed for what they truly are.  Our old habits often cause us to shut down and not clearly see what is happening externally.  For most of us, the experience of fear, anger or pain narrows our focus to the reptilian brain responses of fight, flight or freeze.  If you are being chased by a bear, or someone is trying to harm you, this is an important reaction to have.  The adrenaline that pulses through your veins will help you survive.  However, when the reptilian response continues long after the threat has dissipated, we remain in a state of stress that literally eats us up from the inside.  This is how the epidemic of stress is created.

In this moment, we are sitting in this room, and we are safe.  Yet, each of us may be thinking about a past sensation, judgment or story that is creating fear, anger or pain in this moment.  You might even be thinking about some fear, anger or pain that might be experienced in the future, and creating a sensation, judgment or story about what will happen.   When we become mindfully and compassionately aware, we begin to see the False Self that is sometimes running our life.   Here’s the science behind it:  compassionate awareness enables us to move from the reptilian brain to the pre-frontal cortex, where language and reason is stored, and it redirects the energy from a reptilian response to a more appropriate skillful response. This is the power of compassionate awareness.

Once this awareness arises, we can then choose how we want to respond.  Imagine the possibility that you are a bundle of energy that is pure potential, full of a wide range of possibilities.   You can choose where to place your energy.  Do you want your energy depleted on fear, anger or pain?  OR, do you want to direct your energy towards peace, compassion and wisdom?  All of us have everything we need to direct our energy where ever we choose.  That is the power of this practice. 

Last, I want to identify the fact that we are interdependent on each other.  We can choose how to experience each other and how we experience ourselves in the context of relationship with another.  When the fear, anger or pain becomes too much to bear alone, I encourage you to reach out, to ask for help, to explore the support system around you.  That is the power of the mindful step of being aware externally and building skillful relationships with each other. 

We all can help each other in easy ways.  I am a very bad driver in the snow, and yesterday I got stuck in a snow bank trying to get back to the airport in Denver—I tried to move the car out myself—yeah, that wasn’t going to happen.  In spite of my aversion to asking for help, I decided that seeing clearly this situation, I had to flag down another driver, or I would miss my flight.  Would they accept or reject me!?  I was very uncomfortable, but did it anyway.  I waved my hands and palms together and gave the universal sign for Help!  A car stopped, and a young couple got out to assist me.  This strong young man and his sweet girlfriend helped push me out of the snow bank.  They were my angels!  And there are angels all around us, people willing to reach out and lend a hand or a heart or just an encouraging word or positive energy.  We can be that for each other.  Let’s be the change that we want to see. Let’s be the change that we want to experience!

Letting Go - 7 - Becoming a Bodhisattva starts with Forgiveness

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It seemed ironic.  On Monday, I returned to the book we have been discussing entitled, Letting Go of the Person you Used to Be, by Lama Surya Das, and I realized that I had skipped chapter 7.  It is entitled “Being Heroic in the Face of Loss”, and after the tragedies this last week in Boston, it seemed the perfect topic for us to reflect upon today.  It is understandable to become scared or angry in the face of what appears to be random violence.  “Why me?” might be the question asked by those innocent bystanders hurt, “Why him?” might be asked by the family of that young MIT police officer who was killed, or “Why them?” might be asked by the parents and family of the suspected bombers.  It would be understandable that fear and anger and grief and sadness would arise from the mere attempt to understand these senseless acts.

So, what can we do about it?  We can’t change the past, we can’t re-attach healthy limbs that were blown away. We can’t bring back to lives of those killed.   What can WE do about it?

In certain traditions in Buddhism, there arose a teaching about what we can do about it ALL, how we can be a spiritual hero to ourselves and to the world. Practicing Buddhism is a clarion call to find that innate courage and strength that exists within every single one of us to rise above fear and anger, and find a higher purpose, a greater calling, a more skillful response.  We are called upon, each one of us, to be a Bodhisattva,

A Bodhisattva is translated in Sanskrit as heroic one, or in Pali, wisdom being, one who, motivated by great compassion, has a spontaneous wish to become a Buddha for the benefit of all sentient beings, and who becomes dedicated to their ultimate welfare. This compassionate intention is called bodhicitta, or awakened heart-mind.

The term Bodhisattva was written down in the Pāli Canon, which were the original writings of what the Buddha said, where is it is said that he referred to himself as a Bodhisattva, both in his previous lives and as a young man in his current life, prior to his enlightenment, when he was working towards awakening.   He is said to have recounted his experiences as a young aspirant, using the phrase "When I was an unenlightened Bodhisattva..." The term describes a person whose aim is to become fully enlightened, fully awake in each moment.  AND, there is an additional component of being a Bodhisattva—not only do we commit to working diligently for our own awakening, but we support, encourage and motivate ALL sentient beings to become awakened.  In fact, we agree to return to this earthly plane again and again in order to help others. 

Lama Surya Das emphasizes that a Bodhisattva flies on the wings of compassion and wisdom—these two virtues that go hand in hand.  And we can commit to helping others, without regard for reward.   A Bodhisattva brings out the best in everyone!

In the Buddhist tradition, once a person has taken their Refuge Vows, which is the first step on this specific spiritual path, one then reflects on going further, deeper, to taking the Bodhisattva vows. These vows recognize the seeming futility of helping all people, but nonetheless encourages us to strive on, to at least try, to be encouraged, to consider how we might achieve this lofty goal.

The Bodhisattva vows are written and said in several different ways but here is one version:

Sentient beings are numberless—I vow to liberate them.

Delusions are inexhaustible—I vow to transcend them.

Dharma teachings are boundless—I vow to master them.

The Buddha’s enlightened way is unsurpassable—I vow to embody it.

These are the vows, the commitments, that we can wake up each morning and recommit to.  These vows can be a beacon for us, shining the light on compassionate and wise action. 

Each of us can aspire to be a spiritual hero.  You too can be a Bodhisattva!  Most of us, we may never be the kind of hero who is a “first responder” (unless you want to be or have been, or are one already!  Thanks to Angela and Ray for their courage!) But, each of us does have the power to be courageous in the face of whatever tragedies strike our lives or the lives of those around us, or even the lives of others in the world whom we might endeavor to help in some way.

You might be thinking, “I have enough troubles in my own life without trying to help somebody else!”  There are very tragic things that can happen in any person’s life:  we get sick, those that we love get sick and die, our relationships fall apart, people we love disappoint us or drain us, or we sometimes disappoint ourselves.  There are a myriad of tragedies that happen every day.  Regardless, WE ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE HOW TO RESPOND.  If you’re taking care of someone who has a long-term or terminal illness, your Bodhisattva vows may be tested every day.  You yourself may have some chronic illness that wears you down—I can’t even imagine the challenges that would present.  Or, in the future, many of us may have a chronic illness that will test our resolve.  And yet, we can still all aspire to this lofty aim.  “May I respond always in ways that are compassionate and wise, in ways that lift myself and others up to a higher spiritual level, without regard to reward.”

Start wherever you are. If you are despondent and scared or angry and resentful, start here now.  If you are sad or grieving or anxious or suffering, start here now.  If those that you love are suffering, start here now.

Regardless of what life throws at us, these vows can lift us up, encourage us and guide us through the difficult times as well as help us lift others up and guide others.

I also think that forgiveness is a key component of being a Bodhisattva.  Sometimes forgiveness is where we must start in order to see ourselves and the situation more clearly.  We may need to forgive ourselves and others, and perhaps we need to ask for forgiveness, in order to reclaim our power to begin again. 

Jack Kornfield, a brilliant Vipassana teacher says, "Forgiveness is not concerned with changing past events, it’s about changing you so that the future will be transformed"   Mother Theresa encouraged us to not worry about the number of people that we are helping, but rather to simply start with the people nearest to us—perhaps that might even be yourself.  Just like they say before the airplane takes off, sometimes you need to put the air mask on yourself before attempting to help another who might need help.

We all can be a Bodhisattva, a peace-making warrior,  and Future Buddha of America!  We’ll create a heartfelt group, the FBA!